As I reflect back at on who I was at the beginning of my journey, I wish I had access to the kind of care and support I strive to offer to my clients. I am blessed to be a mother to 5 beautiful children, one son and four daughters. Each of my pregnancies and each of my children have taught me something new and provided me with different experiences that I am able to reflect on as I support my clients through their own journeys. I have experienced many struggles from conception, to lack of sleep and exhaustion, to hyperemesis gravidarum and severe morning sickness, to breastfeeding latching and supply issues, to countless hours spent at the NICU, to postpartum depression and feeling so alone. I know the darkness of postpartum depression and anxiety and the light of motherhood and watching my children grow into strong, beautiful and independent individuals.

Before I became a mom I was an early childhood educator and preschool teacher. Prior to that I worked as a nanny for many years and cared for young children and newborns. With all of my experience working with babies and children I thought that getting pregnant, being a mom and caring for my own babies would be natural and easy. This was not the case.

My first pregnancy was very dificult. As women, we spend our younger years thinking it’s easy to get pregnant and once we decide we want to start a family it will happen quickly but most of the time that is not the case. My journey leading up to getting pregnant wasn’t easy. It was emotional and difficult and very challenging on my marriage and mental health. When I finally got pregnant we were overjoyed – all of our pain and stress had finally paid off and we were blessed to be expecting a baby boy. Up until then I had focused all of my energy on getting pregnant and was not prepared for what came next – the morning sickness, fatigue, lack of sleep, feeling helpless, trips to the hospital to get IVs because I was severely dehydrated, followed by the premature birth of my son. It felt like once I got pregnant these obstacles kept popping up and I couldn’t catch up or think about or prepare for the future because of what was happening in the present moment.

My son Ethan was born 6 weeks premature. The morning before he was born I had my 32 week OBGYN appointment. I was feeling exhausted and uncomfortable and almost cancelled the appointment because I could hardly get myself out of bed. With all the strength that I had, I made it to my appointment and upon taking my blood pressure and checking me, the doctor told me that I had preeclampsia and needed to get to the hospital immediately to be monitored because the baby was coming very soon. 

I had never felt so scared in my life. I hadn’t planned for this, I wasn’t ready. I immediately spiraled thinking about if he was going to be ok, if he was fully developed and healthy, if he would have to be in the NICU and what I could have done to stop this from happening. I felt angry and sad and I was terrified. His nursery wasn’t finished, my hospital bag wasn’t packed, I hadn’t taken maternity photos yet. All of the experiences and things I had planned to accomplish over the last few weeks of my pregnancy slipped away and negative thoughts flooded my mind.

I arrived at the hospital alone with no hospital bag and no idea what the next few days, let alone the next few weeks, would hold for me. Less than 24 hours after I arrived to the hospital Ethan was born. He was immediately taken from me and a flood of doctors rushed into the room. I called out to them asking if he was ok and what was happening . No one answered me. It was as if time stood still, I heard no cry. I looked around the room at my husband and my mom who both had tears in their eyes and after 2 minutes that felt like 2 hours I heard his first cry and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and relief. 

The days and weeks that followed were the most difficult time of my life. Ethan was hooked up to so many tubes and monitors I could barely see his face, he was receiving oxygen and being fed through a tube. My husband and I only got to hold him for short periods of time. I didn’t get to experience the intimate moments that I had envisioned – no skin to skin, no golden hour, no first latch, no opportunity to build the intimate bond I so desperately wanted for us. At the time he was born you did not get your own room after birth, you were taken into a larger room with other mothers and their babies to recover. Seeing other women with their new, healthy babies while I sat alone praying and wondering if my baby would be ok was heart wrenching and left me feeling empty and sad. I felt guilty because knew I should be grateful he was alive and that we had access to a hospital and doctors but I all I felt was anger and helplessness and my heart was broken. I kept asking myself – Why me? Why is this happening? What could I have done to stop this? Leaving the hospital three days later without him in our arms was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. 

Because of the time he spent in the NICU I was unable to breastfeed him. None of the doctors or nurses told me about how this would affect my milk supply or how I should be pumping so that when it was time for him to come home my body would be producing enough milk to be able to feed him. Those first few weeks paved the way for a difficult, emotional and stressful breastfeeding experience. Six weeks later we were cleared to leave the NICU and bring Ethan home. I remember being so scared, my hands were sweating and I was extremely anxious and full of self-doubt about being able to care for him. After all that we had been through he felt so fragile and I was so afraid for anything to happen to him or to have to come back to the hospital. 

The day you bring your child home from the hospital you are thrown into a brand new environment where everything is new and you are having to learn so many new things at once, not to mention the recovery you are going through physically and emotionally after having given birth just days earlier. All of the research I had done to prepare for parenthood and my time spent caring for babies could never have prepared me for everything I now needed to do to care for and feed my new baby. From basic questions like how and when to swaddle your baby and SIDS safety, bathing techniques and safe water temperature, to sleeping, soothing and schedules, to breastfeeding, latching, pumping and clogged ducts – I had to struggle my way through all of these obstacles on my own. All on top of feeling like I had to be a perfect wife and keep my house clean and do laundry and cook, everything was all piling up. I felt so alone and helpless. At the time it felt like what I was going through wasn’t normal. I thought that all of these things should come naturally and that I was incompetent as a mom. I didn’t reach out to friends or family because it wasn’t something I felt comfortable talking about or that I felt like they would understand. I felt isolated and like I would be seen as a failing mother. 

After four months of keeping my anxiety and depression inside and putting on a brave face every morning when my husband left for work, I had finally hit my breaking point. Enough was enough, I knew I needed to be better for myself and for my son. I remember holding him and looking into his eyes and saying out loud, “This is it, no more. You deserve a happy, healthy mom and I am going to be better for you and for me.” I had been holding on to so much pain and anger from my pregnancy and birth experience and was stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and anxiety around breastfeeding and caring for my baby but it had to stop. I needed to make a change and I needed to be better, I had to be. I needed to talk to my husband about how I was feeling and I needed to seek help and talk to other new moms. 

It was in that moment too that I decided that I wanted to start a business helping other moms avoid the months of feeling depressed and alone in their journeys and do everything in my power to make new mom’s realize they are not alone and they are supported. I wanted to provide them with education and tools to be able to care for their newborns and themselves and to help them be prepared for the journey and struggles ahead as they welcome a new baby into their lives. 

As I embark on the rebranding of New Beginnings and my 15^th year of business, I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so fortunate to be able to do what I love, to support and educate new parents and work with them and their precious babies. I am so grateful for all of the relationships I have built over the years and the families who have allowed me into their homes and to be a part of their raw journey of parenthood. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my knowledge and continue learning and growing together for many years to come.

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